• You’re too much of a perfectionist; you can’t expect us to keep up.
• You’re too goal-oriented; you only care about results, not people.
• You’re too busy; you never have time for friends or family.

Ignoring these perceptions can restrict your career options, as well as personal relationships. The challenge is pausing long enough to recognize your current impact and identify your desired one.

Take Chris for example, who earned a critical role based on superb attention to detail, great intelligence and unparalleled dedication. This intensity, however, yielded an unanticipated result. Chris’ “efficient” directness was perceived as condescending, and colleagues worried about getting on Chris’ “bad side.” People said Chris was too task-oriented and too fast-paced. There was also significant personal impact. As the workday grew longer and longer, there was less attention to family, individual rejuvenation and personal health, which was suffering.

Like Chris, you may wrestle with this internal tug of war. On one side stand the “too” qualities that you have come to rely on. Staring back is your unintended, limiting impact. So how do you integrate this feedback while remaining true to yourself? You may even wonder “Why bother? Things have gone okay so far.”

Work through the following five steps to find out. After all, “okay so far” just doesn’t cut it for the intense, passionate “too-something” person.

 1. Take Inventory

Find some blank paper and uninterrupted time. Record your responses to the following:

• List five influential people in your life right now. They would say I am “too ____________.”
• In what other ways are you “too” something?

2. Look at Your Present Impact

It’s not often that we genuinely assess how our way of moving through life affects those around us and, ultimately, ourselves. Go beyond the quick, obvious answer and search for the most honest response.

• How does being “too” something help you succeed?
• How does it get in the way?

These observations offer the “You Are Here” point on the journey to creating your most desired impact.

3. Define Your Desired Impact

What does “impact” mean to you? Consider the ripple effect of everything you do, say, don’t do or don’t say. Think in terms of your effect on others, your environment and yourself. The results may be expected and hoped for, or unanticipated and undesirable. The following questions will help clarify what you want to generate from here forward.

• How would you like to be described by your peers? Superiors? Subordinates?
• Ideally, what would your family/friends say is special about you?
• When will you be successful?
• What legacy would be most satisfying?

4. Discover the Gaps

Notice the space between your current and desired impact. In this step, you will outline some possible strategies for narrowing that gap. For the moment, ignore practicalities and shake off any sense of “rules.” Let all sorts of ideas mingle on the same page. What possibilities emerge when you consider:

• What are the easy options?
• How could I challenge myself?
• What strategies would the five most influential people in my life offer? (To crank it up a notch, go ask them!)
• What could I start today?

You now have a list of possible options. Among them is the potential for sharing your talents more effectively. Don’t squelch your “too” talent; just use it with greater awareness and precision.

5. Bridge the Gap

Review your list from Step 4. Ask “Which option(s) would be most effective?” Pick a few that you are willing to commit to. To help you succeed, address the following:

• When will you begin?
• How will you evaluate this strategy?
• Who can support your efforts?
• What is your truest motivation for persevering?
• How will you hold yourself accountable?

Through this process, you will boost your self-awareness and sense of personal leadership. Chris dramatically shifted peer perceptions, created a richer life outside of work and addressed serious health issues. By calibrating your style, you will find greater ease in your interactions and more support for your vision.

(Originally published September 2004 but still relevant!)

I liked  Seth Godin post on Organized Bravery, especially:

“During times of change, the only organizations that thrive are those that are eager to interact and change as well. And that only happens when individuals take brave steps forward.

Giving your team cover for their cowardice is foolish. Give them a platform for bravery instead.”

What brave thing have you been wanting to do?

 Tiny Yeses might look like:

• Helping out with a colleague’s project
• Taking a class in a new area of interest
• Becoming the social media voice for your organization

Years ago, despite a new business, toddler and traveling husband, I gave a Tiny Yes to joining a task force at our community foundation.  This would satisfy my philanthropic itch and might also be good for business.  Within a few months, the committee chair had to resign and I was asked to lead the group.  Gave another Tiny Yes.  Got more involved in the community and met many interesting people.  One of them asked me join a board for a local nonprofit.  By now I was getting the hang of these Tiny Yeses.

Over the years, what started as a small, somewhat scary commitment has led to involvement on 3 boards, including a 2 year stint as board president.  I love being involved in my community, meeting incredible people I might not have encountered otherwise, and expanding my professional skill set. Once I couldn’t have imagined fitting all of this in, now I can’t see my life without it.

After awhile, if you’re energized by the Tiny Yes it won’t even feel like something extra. You’ll probably be looking for ways to become even more engaged and proficient. Pretty soon, you’ll actually have built a track record and some expertise. I’m not suggesting unfettered yessing, just “yes” to something that intrigues and excites you. Relatively recently, I gave a (naive) Tiny Yes when asked to speak at Ignite Boulder.  One of the other speakers is a terrifice programmer whom I’ve partnered with to develop an iPhone app. (The Daily Debrief productivity app will be off to the Apple store by May.)

Where might a  Tiny Yes take you?

During dinner, my 12 year old was unnervingly quiet.  We asked what she was thinking, expecting some girl-drama tale of woe.  Instead she somberly reeled off facts and figures about rain forest destruction.  Tears welled up as she mentioned the number of species lost just since we sat down to eat. 

Apparently, a guest speaker from EcoCycle did an excellent job conveying a sense of urgency about environmental concerns.  My daughter’s big take away, however, was to do more recycling.  She knew that just wasn’t enough and slumped at the table – a hopeless, defeated shell.

I was pretty frustrated.  How could they stir up my kid without offering more substantial ideas for affecting change?  On an intuitive level, she sensed that her energy and concern exceeded the resources, conceptual understanding, and influence required to tackle an issue of this magnitude.  I couldn’t fault her paralysis.  Most “grown ups” look away, feeling the environmental train has left the station and there’s not a way to call it back.  

Good thing the world is full of undaunted twentysomethings!  They have passion and smarts undampened by the cynicism that sometimes piles up with the birthdays.  Lily, daughter of my dear friend/colleague Viriginia, is my most current breath of fresh air.

Ironically, on the day my daughter felt overwhelmed, I received an email from Lily announcing the International English Minga which she created to help save a corner of the rainforest. Check out her 10 minute video to learn about this innovative sustainability project.  You’ll also get a boost of inspiration from watching her unfettered enthusiasm and commitment.

A couple of days ago (Yahoo!) I had the plate removed from my wrist.    I will restrain from continued gushing about Dr. Viola and his team (and posting a photo of the incision).  Let’s just say I’m feeling so good that aside from a nap the day after the surgery, my family sees no reason to offer much pampering. 

While there are numerous reasons this team is extraordinary, their abundant, clear communication really stands out.   They sent several pre-surgery emails with instructions/info and then followed up with calls.  They also called just to make sure I didn’t have any questions.  Then they called a couple of days afterward to see how I was doing.  Did I mention that the surgeon also gave me his cell phone number?  I am feeling very loved.

It made me think of a recent conversation I had about Account Maintenance, Account Management and Account Handling.  The latter is what we called it when I worked in the UK.

• Account Handling -  sounds like wrestling too many unruly clients into shape
• Account Maintenance – hold the status quo, cross your fingers nothing goes wrong, try not to panic when it does
• Account Management – engage with the whole of your client, build relationships, solve problems, make them stronger

Sounds simple, but how often do we slip into the reactive mode, merely handling or maintaining our clients’ business or well being?  What difference would a little more proactivity make?

That’s not necessarily the case with other creations.  Take resumes for example.  Ask 10 people for input on your resume and you’ll get 12 different ideas.   How do you decide who knows best?  What’s the standard?

A brilliant client once set a goal of getting her resume “80% there.”  She figured 80% was good enough to get her in the door.  Striving for more than that would tether her to wordsmithing for weeks instead of actually meeting people.  Besides, she observed, with a resume you can always modify it for the next person,  so there’s no need to add a bunch of  “perfect” pressure to an already stressful situation.

I’m grappling with the 80% rule now regarding our Daily Debrief App.  Is introducing an app like baking biscuits or writing a resume?  Sure feels like the former when you’re in it, although it’s really the later.  I’d say Eric, Spike and I are at about 70%.  Not ready to submit to the app store, but awfully darn close!

Really liked Seth Godin’s post today:

After you’ve done your best (and it didn’t work)

“A” as in Accountability:

1. Doing what you say you’re going to do, by when you say you’re going to do it.
2. Constructively following up with a colleague who didn’t do what they said they were going to do, by when they said they were going to do it.

Some organizations seamlessly weave accountability into the fabric of their culture.  Others fear and avoid it.  They don’t want to make a colleague look bad, spark a conflict, or invite embarrassing accountability turnaround.   If individual accountability is high for all involved, then good things still get done on time.   A couple of weak links, though, can lead to missed deadlines, grumbling behind people’s backs, and lost opportunities.   You know what I’m talking about.

One team of really smart, committed software as service professionals would get very quiet any time our conversation steered toward accountability.  Lots of big eyes looking all over to escape eye contact with me.  I think one person even stopped breathing for a bit.

Naturally, their determined avoidance meant we were going there!

The team wasn’t sure how to create more accountability, or be brave enough to hold each other accountable.  They were, however, very astute in describing their current relationship with accountability:

•  It’s squishy, hard to interpret and inconsistent.
• Thinking about holding others accountable is stressful.
• Without it, we’re a bunch of individuals without cohesiveness.  It’s easy to stay in our own little area.
• We don’t tend to assign work to people who don’t meet goals, but we don’t tell them that.
• We’re great at pulling things together at the last minute and enjoy the buzz and collegiality of that pressure.

This last comment jiggled them out of their stuck place.  In the early days, it was exhilarating for a bunch of single twenty-somethings to crank through an all-nighter and just barely meet a client deadline.  Now, years (and spouses and babies) later, it’s not so much fun.  Regular sleep has also become more delicious than 2am pizza.

Through this lens, accountability wasn’t such a bad guy after all.  It could be the key to:

• Freeing up time to do things outside of work.
• Getting behind objectives that point toward success.  (Without accountability, objectives are just something we’re supposed to do, but no one really pays attention to them.)
• Securing timely access to resources and information.
• Providing genuine recognition; accountability flags it when people do what they were supposed to do.
• Having more fun by getting into a flow of accomplishment and knowing others are too.
• Being acknowledged for something of which we’re proud, versus our capacity for martyrdom (i.e. lack of sleep).

I wish I could say “Ah ha!  Problem solved!” but big change takes practice.  What I can say is that their bravery in naming That Which Shall Not Be Discussed has broken a barrier, opening the way to practice.

What’s your team’s relationship with accountability?

• New position at the Same Company
• Similar Position in a Different Company or Industry
• Different Everything

Others just have an itch that needs scratching but don’t know much beyond that.

Whatever the situation, most people can work out the tactical aspects of change. The trickiest steps in the transition tango are usually associated with uncomfortable, often unfamiliar, feelings*:

• Overwhelmed
• Lost
• Scared
• Self-Conscious
• Excited
• All of the above

*Supposedly women shouldn’t use “feeling” in business because men won’t get it and using that word makes us seem soft. Well guess what? After 10 years of doing this work, I can safely say that men “feel” these things too.

In response, I’ve developed the Multiple Paths Approach, which helps people become more calm, open, focused, and successful during their period of change-in-the-make. There are 2 basic steps:

1.  Name several possible “paths”   A path is a direction you are curious about, for example “I wonder what it’d be like to work in healthcare.”  Instead of thinking sequentially along just one track however, imagine exploring several interesting possibilities simultaneously, e.g.  “Healthcare is very dynamic, but I also love international travel.”  Write down a handful of possible paths.  It will allow your brain to relax since it doesn’t have to remember everything that’s buzzing around between your ears.  Naming many paths also shows some respect for the shy desires that get pushed aside if you’re only looking at the “practical” paths.  A path may relate to a position, company, industry, course of study, or new business idea. One path should always be Make the Current Situation As Good As Possible.

2.  Focus on the One Next Step for each path Following through on this piece is how you prevent overwhelm and build momentum.  For each path, determine what tiny step will carry you farther along the way.  It may involve researching online, talking to someone, or creating something.  You might not know what the next step is.  In that case, the “next step” is to calendar a time to figure it out!

3.  Steadily progress along each path Okay, I know I said “2” steps.  This last bit is just repeating the above step over and over until you reach a particular path’s “summit”.  For some paths, the summit may be a dead-end where you’ve learned enough to know that this isn’t for you. Use that knowledge to propel you along on a different path.

Years ago I was excited (for a week) about following the Be A Vet path.  That was until a “one next step” had me shadowing my vet and holding unhappy animals while the tech poked their innards for stool samples.  In one day I discovered that I get antsy if left in windowless rooms too long, and am more uncomfortable with cranky animals than cranky people.

Other summits may lead to beginning graduate school, starting a business or securing a new position at a different company. Clients have also earned an elusive promotion at their current organization because they did such a good job Making the Current Situation As Good as Possible, even while they were looking elsewhere!  Sometimes there’s no place like home, Toto.

This tool is most helpful when you’re:

• Defining your paths with candor
• Working your paths diligently
• Looking for ah ha’s and applying that learning

The process also works better when you tether any sense of “already knowing” what lies ahead and walk the different paths with the sense of a true explorer.

This bowl once held peach ice cream.  It was really tasty.

"come, come to me, yes, come closer"

If you’re a regular, you will notice that he’s no longer trying the On The Table strategy.  He learned that one doesn’t fly around here.

"What's the big deal?"

It’s easy to miss obvious themes in the complexity and importance of our over-scheduled lives.  Luckily, the Golden Mirror reflects some universal realities:

*Powerful yearning isn’t enough to secure what you want.  It takes action.

*Achieving something new often requires trying something new, and learning from the experience.

*Serendipity may pop up and present different strategies or skills, but a conscious plan gives you something to work with in the meantime.

I like how a written plan adds texture to the desired goal, providing traction so one actually knows what to do in a given day or week.  Following through on the concrete details helps you feel successful, inspires new ideas and provides useful accountability.  Research by Gail Matthews, Ph.D., of Dominican University confirms:

 “Those who wrote their goals accomplished significantly more than those who did not write their goals.” 

 I guess that’s why I created EssentialEdge™ the guided, self-coaching journal and am now working on the Daily Debrief iPhone app.

Thanks to a defined goal and plan for gaining obviously-needed skills, the Exuberant Dougal now enjoys some pretty significant off leash fun.

Life is So Good.

(Two Bears Training – couldn’t do it without you!)